30 Club: Beating the Birthday Blues & Becoming that Girl!

Hello, 30 club, Malon has entered the chat!

As an old soul I have felt 30 since I was about 15 years old, but it hits different now that my body has caught up to my spirit. My journey to the big 30 has been an interesting one; and a bit of a rollercoaster leading up to it. Like everyone the comparison demon visits me from time to time, with reminders of what I haven’t done, or haven’t done well enough, and they were putting in overtime this year. I had a severe case of the birthday blues.

“I’m just saying, you can do better” is what my inner critic sings in a Drakean loop. Reminding me of all the things I haven’t done yet.

I aint gon cap, it was mostly negative self talk about what I haven’t experienced in the love and relationships. Sure I might have committed to my studies, community service, and extracurricular activities for most of my life. I might’ve been bussed two hrs each way from Watts to Culver City balancing AP classes, college prep, and high school life. I might’ve gone to university 2,700 miles from home, worked up to 3 jobs at one time to sustain myself, and graduated on time. I might’ve moved back home, post graduation, grinded and worked almost every job you can think of to connect the dots to my dreams. I might’ve landed a career sparking opportunity at a major studio from a chance encounter where opportunity met preparation. I even might’ve managed to purchase a condo in my hometown all before the age of 30…but I ain’t got no man chile…and I ain’t gon lie; it was bothering me…until it didn’t.

As a woman, it’s hard to shake the programming that your purpose is to partner, procreate, and live happily ever after. We’re indoctrinated into this narrative, and it becomes our responsibility to make it happen. Society is not particularly kind to women who don’t follow the traditional path. We’re constantly reminded by movies, tv, music, social media, podcasts, friends, family, and especially OUR MAMAS that the clock is ticking. But as I began to beat my birthday blues, I began realize that these sentiments are not true, and they are not mine.

The truth is, I am SO. DAMN. PROUD. of myself, and all that I have done. With God, I have LIVED a lifetime already. I have a loving family, gainful employment, mentorship, a few true friends, peace, and a sense of self worth. I’ve gotten to be myself, gotten to know myself, and learned to love myself.

I have loved myself through struggles with self-esteem, self worth, depression, and loneliness.

I have loved myself through experiences with racism, colorism, and misogynoir.

I have loved myself, through my ugliest moments.

& now I finally feel COZY.

Everything is happening in due time, and when the time comes it will happen, or it won’t, and I’ll be just fine either way.

Coincidentally Big B dropped her Renaissance album, and as a super fan and certified spiritual gangster, I couldn’t help but take that sign, and since Beyonce gave me a gift, y’all can’t tell me nothing.

The intro track “I’m That Girl” set the tone for my entire year, and the entire album reminds me it’s ok to feel confident and lean into my dark side. I been thique, been fine, been smart, been kind, and been on queenly energy. It’s ok to let the world see that.

May my next era be my best era.

“We’ll see what’s about to happen next okay!”

XoXo - DotCom